Friday, August 28, 2009

Running Scared

"You only need to remain calm;
The Lord will fight for you."
Exodus 14:14

I don't like to admit it but this last month has been hard for me. I have felt like those Israelites as they left their familiar place in Egypt. It has reminded me of a moment of my youth when I felt no one was there to fight or protect me. One of those times, I had walked to a nearby store. It was a nice long walk. I had never been scared to take it. This day was very different though. I was on my way home walking slowly through my neighbors yard as I had always done. I had just about reached my yard when suddenly I heard barking. I turned to see the neighbor's Rottweiler chasing after me. I was so tired but an immense amount of adrenaline instantly kicked in. My heart was pounding and I was so terrified. I was terrified no one was there to help me and that my own strength would let me down.

Last night I lay in bed thinking over the past month. If it could go wrong, it did go wrong. I had tried to deny that I was frustrated and angry. I tried to deny that I wasn't a little scared. But I was, and I am. I began praying and opening up these feelings to God. No matter what I said, He repeatedly kept saying, " I am here!" I yelled that I knew that, but I wanted someone tangible to be here as well. He whispered to me, "I have to be enough." I knew it was true, but I continued to not wrap my mind around it. This morning as I woke the same arguments with the insurance company about my wreck and getting me a rental car continued. Not for long though. I sat back and said " I am tired of fighting." God immediately gave me a verse that He had given me before, Exodus 14:14. He let me know that if I would just let go and stay calm that He would fight the fight for me. Just as the Israelites didn't like it when Moses led them out of Egypt into something better that they could have never imagined, I too have not liked this past month. I have fought the whole way, trying to do things in my own strength even though I felt I was giving it over to God. My worrying and my focus being on the situation itself has kept me from doing this. My focus on my feelings of loneliness and hurt also kept me from seeing that the fear was not from God.

God had asked Moses to lead the people. But when he got to the Red sea he spoke of what God would do but he didn't continue walking at the same time. When I read Exodus 14 today, I realized something in the words "Why are you crying out to me? Command the Israelites to start moving. Raise your walking stick and hold it over the the sea so that the sea will split and the people can cross on dry land." Moses had stopped focusing on God for a small moment and began focusing on the complaining of the people. Sometimes it is really important to wait, but here God had told Moses what to do already. God had to break it down piece by piece to get him to focus again. I am like that. I focus on the wrong things at times. I expect it to be something Huge before I can move. God only wants me to stay calm and just trust. He WILL fight for me. He will provide a "dry land" or a way for me to pass through this.

No comments: