Thursday, July 31, 2008
Do you ever do something really good for yourself and then feel really guilty afterwards? I do this all the time. The guilt feelings usually come when I begin to think about what someone else is going to say or think though. This is usually how I know there is some toxicity in this relationship and that I need to set some type of boundaries there. I had several experiences like this recently. I have been repeatedly trying to learn boundaries but I am not always good at it. I like to do things for other people and in the past I have tended to sway toward being a people pleaser. I don't like it when others get mad at me or disappointed in me. I don't like the feeling it gives me. Anyway recently I was encouraged to stand up for myself and be honest about my feelings with someone and to set some boundaries so that futures situations would be different and possibly better for us. When I began I was very scared. I was nervous but this was something I wanted to do and felt I really should do if I was going to break a toxic pattern I have always had in my life of bad friendships and relationships. I need to learn how to have good ones. I felt like I was doing something really good for myself. To some degree I also felt I was in some ways doing something good for the other person involved also. This feeling went away very quickly. You see, we can't control other people and we can't control their responses and reactions to us or what we say. I think I learned this more than ever last night. I felt horrible after saying what I needed to because of the expressions I got when I looked across the room but I had to logically think about what I had just done and the boundaries I had set for myself. Someone in the room with me said "This person cares enough about you to be honest with you..." That only confirmed to me and got me back to the track of thinking that I needed to see what I had done was loving someone else and that is what mattered. I now know I may still struggle some with boundaries but I also know that my focus must be on loving the person enough to be honest and loving myself enough to be honest and set a boundary to take care of myself so I can give the best of me their is to give. I know it now I just have to go out and try to slowly do it each day until it can become an everyday part of me.
Posted by a.helms at 11:58 PM