Who was I really writing for. I had begun to question that as I would catch myself going to check who had written a comment or if anyone new was following my blog. As an artist who loves to write the world around me tells me that others' opinions are what will make my work move and sell itself. Others opinions are what began to give me some sense of value. This wasn't much different from most of my personal life and the way I had looked at myself. I looked to other people and things to define who I was. The more I began to notice this when I wrote, the more annoyed I became with myself. This was not who I wanted to be anymore. I am a child of God and this is what I wanted to define me alone. Today I can honestly say I have never really sold a painting, but I have sold a few drawings. I have never sold a piece of writing but I have been published in something small. I can also say I am finally content with this. God knows what I do but most of all He knows where my heart is and this is what finally matters to me. The one that created the heavens and the mountains and the world knows me by name and knows what I am capable of and who I am. This is what matters to me most. I am not making millions with my art and my writing but when God is ready for me to do anything with it then He will show me. If He never does then it is okay because He will have something for me.
This past week, I had a major battle with Satan in my mind. He is the deceiver, a liar, and the evil one. He once again tried to convince me that:
- I was no good and never would be
- That others in my life where only trying to pacify me and get me to think I was their friend
- That I could never Really be loved after the things I have done
- and that I would Never find any sense of happiness in this life
Because it had mattered to me for so long what others thought, this battle was a VERY hard one. But God continued to say to me "Rest" and "In your weakness, I am strong!" Steve McVey wrote in his book Grace Walk " Our focus is a person, not the performance of religious activity." God doesn't want me to continue living for Him, He wants to live in and through me. So instead of fighting like my hard head wanted me to, I began to surrender to God and allow Him to fight through me as I prayed the words of
"10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take
your stand against the devil's schemes.
12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
but against the rulers, against the authorities,
against the powers of this dark world
and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13Therefore put on the full armor of God,
so that when the day of evil comes,
you may be able to stand your ground,
and after you have done everything, to stand.
14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist,
with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15and with your feet fitted with the readiness
that comes from the gospel of peace.
16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith,
with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows
of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation
and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions
with all kinds of prayers and requests.
With this in mind, be alert and always
keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever
I open my mouth, words
may be given me so that I will fearlessly
make known the mystery of the gospel,
20for which I am an ambassador in chains.
Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
and asked others to pray with me. I did not pray to receive some type of recognition or approval from God this time. I wanted to pray and have His desires for my life to flow through me in the prayer. I wanted to believe that He loves me and that I knew alone I would never be good enough but that it is okay because Jesus died to make me good enough. I wanted others to pray with me in unity. No matter what I do I want it to be to His glory!