A shattered heart.... This wallpaper which was available for my phone spoke so loudly to my heart when I saw it. I have debated for months now whether to really share some of the struggles I have been going through. Some of them being very long struggles that have a constant recurring theme and others being strong spiritual struggles that I still can't seem to really understand fully. I thought I had finally gotten to that point of seeing that sharing some things can help others and that was the purpose in them, but recently my anger has gotten in the way of seeing that. Then on Easter Sunday I had an amazing talk with my niece after attending our services at church. These past couple of days I have tried hard to hold on to that conversation. You see she has some head knowledge of who God is but I want her to truly know Him. I want Him to be real to her, unlike He was to me at her age. I began asking her what the service meant to her. She of course re-iterated what Pastor Derwin had said to us. It was like the usual robotic answer. My immediate thought was to ask her to explain but asking her what it meant personally to her is what I did instead. She still couldn't tell me. It for her was still just something very external like a story in a book. She then told me she liked when Pastor Derwin told about how he grew up. This said to me that I had to give her something that would attach the story to her personally. Pleasing people has always been a trait of mine. Not one I am particularly proud of or want to continue. This also just happens to be one of my recent struggles. God was allowing my heart to be shattered in so many pieces by so many people and no matter what I did, it wasn't going to change that. I began to explain to my niece how this particular trait was something I felt I needed to do at one time. I thought it would cause my friends or my parents or people I looked up to, to love me more. I wanted so much to feel loved and that they were proud of me or liked me. A lot of times this has placed me in some dangerous and some really sticky situations doing things I never dreamed I would do. I was doing things I didn't even like. Someone then told me there was nothing I could do to make God love me more than He already does. They explained how Christ died for me and God the Father gave up His only son to die so that all fears, all sadness, all crying, all pain, and all death could end one day. God loves me and I don't have to do anything to please Him. I don't have to earn it. The expectations or perceived expectations are very different. There are no questions of the love being there or not. It just is! That shattered heart of mine still has pain and is not fully back together again, but there finally is Hope. I just have to hold onto it.
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